Gemma Raine is three months old today! What a wild ride. Life is so sweet right now. She truly is a happy, smiley, easy baby to take care of. But I want to open up about how it wasn’t always easy. Bonding with her did not happen overnight for me. It was a journey, learning how to mother and learning how to love that deeply.
Sleep came easy to Gemma as a newborn. As she has grown up and become more aware of her surroundings I have to constantly monitor how much sleep she gets. It makes a world of difference in her behavior and demeanor. Nap time and sleep are a priority in our house right now. When Gem is rested she’s happier and more alert. When she doesn’t sleep well, all of us pay the price.
What exactly do you need to care for your newborn baby? Because of finances and the small duplex we live in, Dallas and I don’t have the room or money for a lot of items. We are minimalists at heart and both despise clutter.
So I’ve decide to list out what I believe are the Newborn Essentials. Make sure you get these on your registry or have them before you bring home your baby.
When I found out I was pregnant I couldn’t wait to stay at home with my baby. However, because of financial reasons I had to be making some kind of income. In what felt like a stroke of luck, I was offered an accounting position that allowed me to do all my work from the comfort of my home. I quickly realized that working from home was not an easy task! Was it even possible to take care of my baby, myself, the home AND a job?
I am still learning to find balance in my hectic life but I have decided to take what I’ve learned these past two months and share them with you!
You can read in this post here about how I keep a Diaper Bag ready to go so I can get up and go at a moments notice. So, I decided to go into more detail about how I try to keep Gemma’s bag organized and ready at all times.
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Can you still find spontaneity with a newborn? It’s a real question. When you are a few weeks into motherhood it’s hard to remember the last time you showered let alone the last time you went out to get ice cream on a whim.
Even before my pregnancy I knew I wanted to breastfeed. I researched breastfeeding and the many benefits for mom and baby. I read articles about the deep bond formed during breastfeeding and I attended the breastfeeding class offered by the hospital.
Entering motherhood I was hopeful and optimistic and possibly naive. Within minutes of Gemma being born I was holding her skin-to-skin and as I had read in all my wonderful research this was the perfect opportunity to begin nursing. My hospital nurse helped me latch her on and I was in awe. This was it. This was how I would feed my beautiful baby.
Breastfeeding was Painful.
By the second or third time I nursed Gemma, I started noticing the pain. Everything I had read told me that initial pain was common but it should ease up as she nurses. Since the pain only seemed to get worse I contacted the lactation consultant. She told me I was already having some damage. However, no need to fear. We practiced some different holds and she showed me ways to help Gemma latch on correctly that shouldn’t be painful. Everything looked great. Yet I was still in pain.
Breastfeeding was Tiring.
Gemma cried a LOT in the hospital. Every two hours a nurse would come in and want to know when I nursed her. Uhmm, you mean nursing should have a start and stop time? It seemed like she wanted to nurse constantly! I found myself questioning… was I doing it right? Was she getting enough? Why did she not want to be anywhere except at my breast? We chose not to use a pacifier because I had read about “nipple confusion”. The hospital didn’t give us one anyway. I was the pacifier. But I had also just given birth. I was exhausted and hurting and I started to realize that I was not having the beautifully peaceful moments of bounding during breastfeeding. It just made me more tired and again… it was so painful.
Breastfeeding was REALLY Painful.
By the time we took Gemma home I had already lost faith in this beautiful dream of breastfeeding. Oh I was still nursing but I no longer wore rose-colored glasses. I was in so much pain it was excruciating to even where a shirt. I was cracked and bleeding. Yet, my little bundle of joy needed to be fed. I reached out to another lactation consultant. We met up with her and again she helped with positioning and how to latch her on correctly. I left feeling hopeful.
That hope lasted until the next feeding. I would cry every time I nursed her. I dreaded when ever she was hungry. Talk about a lot of GUILT. How could I dread when my baby was hungry. There were many times when Dallas held our screaming baby because I just needed a minute. One minute with her not needing to eat from me. The pain was so unbearable. At two weeks old I finally couldn’t take another night of torture.
The night before I had cried for almost an hour as I fed her. I wasn’t going to do it again. I was miserable and Gemma could sense that. So I defrosted one of the stored bags of breastmilk I had already collected. All the research said to wait. If I gave her the bottle she might not go back to the breast. But I couldn’t wait. I was an anxious mess. The thought of nursing could send me into hysterics.
So I gave her a bottle of breastmilk.
Ya’ll. It was so glorious I cried tears of joy. So I gave her another. And another. Two days later and I realized I had become a mom who exclusively pumps. I kept telling my husband and family I would start nursing her soon. I just needed to heal. However, after the two weeks it took for me to heal and I would still cry, thinking about attempting to nurse her.
Pumping was hard too.
I jumped into exclusively pumping. I set timers and bought equipment and I would lug that pump anywhere and everywhere. It was better than the pain… but it became a pain. After four weeks of exclusively pumping I had completely healed and the inconvenience of pumping was really starting to weigh on me. I had shoved the guilt of failing to nurse deep down inside but it was slowly starting to rise to the surface. Yes, I was feeding my baby breastmilk… but it was out of the bottle. Could I really pump every 2-3 hours and make enough milk to keep her satisfied. TWICE I had come close to running out.
So, I finally attempted to nurse her again. There was a lot of prayer and some tears beforehand. She wouldn’t latch without a shield but she did drink from me. TWICE. But that was all it took for the pain to begin coming back. Maybe it was partly mental. It didn’t matter. I didn’t want to dread feeding my baby. So I stuck with pumping.
At 7 weeks old, I finally had to supplement some formula. There were tears because of that as well. I had gotten a clogged duct and my milk supply dropped drastically. Gemma girl was HUNGRY. So she got a few bottles of formula. My normal milk supply returned but I could no longer keep up with my growing baby.
There is no Shame.
I’m still learning not to blame myself. Gemma is now eight weeks old and gets about half of her milk from me and the other half is formula. I try not to read too much about breastfeeding anymore. There are so many wonderful women who overcome MOUNTAINS to breastfeed their babies. I did not overcome my mountain. But Gemma is growing and healthy and so happy. That counts for something! Maybe that counts for everything. I’m not sure.
I will keep giving her breastmilk for as long as I can but I’m no longer putting pressure on myself. I’ve realized while it’s disappointing that my breastfeeding dreams didn’t come to fruition that I’m still caring for my daughter the best I can. I am a better mother when I’m happy and healthy and when I don’t cringe at the thought of feeding her.
So I’ll enjoy my full on formula baby girl and I’ll keep my fingers crossed that maybe with baby number 2 I’ll finally get to see the beauty in breastfeeding. No pressure though.
I’d love to hear your breastfeeding thoughts and journey. Send me an email or leave a comment.
Don’t forget to check out my Pinterest for all different breastfeeding, pumping and milk supply information!